Day 15 Unresolved Good August 27, 2019 11:50
My healing mile was consumed this morning with thoughts about reaching out to some very close family members that have been literally out of my life for several years now. No contact- whatsoever.
Just writing those words pierce my heart deeply. I've always considered myself a fully devoted and committed family girl. The happiest of times in my life is and always will be when my entire immediate and extended family is gathered together in one place- especially in our place.
But because of some very complicated circumstances, which to me seem to have a very simple solution, it's not probable that this will work itself out any time soon- so many hurt people, unwilling people and emotionally and mentally unwell people.
After walking and talking through what this conversation might produce, I'm realizing there may be some deeply manifested, unresolved bitterness and anger. Perhaps the cause of some heart rhythm dysfunction- seems an obvious diagnosis? The thought of unncovering these ugly emotions feels much like digging up an ol' bag of dried bones.
And the Spirit says, "gospel', it’s all about the gospel".
And I pray, "How does that pertain to this?"
And the Spirit responds, "It pertains to everything."
What I know about the gospel is represented in four words: unconditional, sacrifice, truth, and love.
The Webster's 1828 Dictionary describes it as 'a good or joyful message'. And how does can this 'gospel' help my situation at hand?
There's a nagging, longing in my broken heart to rescue in order to fix the problems with the highest of hopes that we can all move forward to a new utopia- call it 'Destination L O V E'. But I've also learned enough to know, I've taken this dysfunctional approach so many times and change comes for a moment only to transition back to an unhealthy family.
I have worked tirelessly alongside my amazing husband to break the chains of our past and teach our sons what love really is. Not what it says it is or looks to be but what it truly is. We've always told them that love has to 'cost' you something. It's an action, not just a word, not to guilt or shame them but to spur them toward good deeds and significant sacrifices that encourage, inspire and fill the hearts of the recievers.
Unconditional, sacrifice, truth and love. Oh yes- gospel.
As painful as this separation from family has been I continue to see and trust the good in it too. I am learning to face the pain of my past and get the appropriate help necessary to transition to a healthy emotional, mental and physical state, all of which I'm working on as I write this today.
And when the emotions come that want to take me out I will muster up the courage to address them so they don't settle in to my already aching heart. And I will trust that God knows that my ultimate heart's desire is for our family to find 'gospel' resolution.